haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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