omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
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had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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