My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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