The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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