he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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