The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Randomize
