I can tuck mytits in my pants
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
