Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
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Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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