FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
