Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Randomize
