HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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