This is not my ceiling
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
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