I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
