I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
