I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
