I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Randomize
