seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
