My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
