How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
