i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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