Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
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