dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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