grandma shit on top of the toilet
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
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Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
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I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
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