my phone needs a breathalizer
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
