Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
