I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
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The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
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If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize