You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Randomize
