ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
