I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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