My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
