I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
