8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
