Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
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