I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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