the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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