Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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