based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
