you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
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