I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
