My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
