his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
