good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
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