I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
