i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
