Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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