my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
the condom got lost in my hair
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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