Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
