Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
