you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize