half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
