Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
foreskin is a definite game changer
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
