how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
mondays should just be called national damage control day
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
