I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
