She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
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