Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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